But God, that's not what I asked for...

When I was a little kid, I remember asking my mother how to spell a word and she would always reply with, "Go look it up in the dictionary!"...I would retort with a serious *blink...blink....blankstare*

What frustrated me the most about her reply was the fact that she's asking me to look something up knowing I have no clue exactly where to find it! Why on earth can't you tell me how to spell it?! Why can't you comply with my logical process and save  me the time of thumbing through an entire section of Webster!? ...but I did it, *shrugs* I was a pretty obedient child lol...but what I learned was that by going through the process of looking the word up, not only did I find the word I was looking for, I found many other words and even stopped to figure out what some of them meant!

Lately I've had to remind myself of this childhood lesson. I've found myself anxious about every area of my life simultaneously. Moreover, I find that many of the blessings God promised me require me to "go"! They involve my physical actions to result in manifestation. But my childhood lesson encourages me to realize that there is much to be learned on the path to manifestation.

Often times when you receive a finished product, you lack knowledge about the process. To me it's almost like gardening. When you go into the store, you have no idea where the fruits and vegetables came from, you know not what they've been through, you have no clue how they were cared for, what they went thru, if they're nice on the outside but all bruised in the center. But when you grow it in your own garden, although it may take longer, although it requires your attention, although it requires commitment to the process, in the end it was nurtured by you and therefore you know all about it!

But here's the best part...much like looking up a word in the dictionary, not only do you get what you were looking for (your fruit), but now you gain new found knowledge about gardening in the process! I'm learning that while you may ask God for a fruit, he'll give you a seed instead, not to frustrate you, but to mature you in areas necessary for the care of the fruit! That's the beauty in a seed. Having a seed, holding the potential, denotes your ability to nurture and care for that fruit from the beginning and to grow in the process!

Don't be discouraged when you ask God for a fruit and he gives you a seed instead. Often times, the process is just as important as the product. God allowing you to be present for the growth, symbolizes his need for your specific tending. 

"...But you can't give up on your seed. Don't quit!!" - Hart Ramsey <----- What he said.

Parts of Growth that REALLY Upset Me...Part 1

The more I grow spiritually, I find that there are aspects of this journey that although painful are very necessary. I wanted to encourage anyone growing to keep going!

So, this is Part 1 of  3 of a series called: Parts of Growing Spiritually that REALLY Upset Me

Part 1: That's Not Good Enough...Not Anymore

A long time ago (Not really) I used to substitute places where God should be with other things. You know, like how when you should be praying for peace, but you drink a whole bottle of wine to subside mental frustration instead. Yea, that was me.

Remember the outsourcing I talked about in another post, well I had a remedy for just about everything. Social Media for ego boosting, male companionship for my inability to be alone, and clubbing to escape my reality.

But then, there was this change in me. Those things didn't work anymore, they weren't good enough anymore.   

I was reminded of a song by Charles Butler and Trinity called "More Than Enough"...there's this part that goes "I tried him, and I found out, that Jesus, is more than enough for meeeee"....I absolutely love that song, I've actually loved it for a while, but I love it a little more now, it means a little more now...

When I used to sing it I meant it but I didn't understand it. Kind of like when you said "I Love You" in kindergarten to some kid on the playground...oh , you meant it, but you really didn't understand the magnitude of what you were saying. That's how I used to sing that song, and then one day...I actually meant it. But not only did I mean it, I actually messed around and really "tried him".

When I opened up myself to really growing, God created in me a need to grow my problem solving techniques. The peace and presence that comes with prayer can not be rivaled by any vice....and that upset me.

It's so very easy to want to go back to what used to work! It really upset me that I couldn't smooth over my inadequacies with activities that gave me momentary relief, it upset me that I really had to push through and be better, I had to face things head on and allow God to deal with them.

When you get to that point there's no going back. When you outgrow the shoe you were wearing at 5, you don't put it back on when you're 10...it just doesn't feel right....and that's ok, because the new shoe was made specifically for you. 

I'm learning that a part of growing spiritually is outgrowing naturally. It get's uncomfortable, but it's rewarding, and I'm cool with that :)  

Forget Familiar...

So, I've been doing these bible studies right, and this week we're reading Ruth.

I'm pretty sure I've read Ruth a few times during my lifetime but I'm at this place in my life where I literally question God after reading now. I mean, I question him like I know him, because I do. Today's question was, "God, I know this book is about Ruth, but what happened to the other chick?" ...yes, I literally looked up to heaven and asked that...and then I waited for an answer.

[sidebar] I used to wonder why/how people really heard from God, how did they get (the correct) direction. Then one day as I was reading a verse that says "Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God..." there's more to the scripture, but when I read that I had an epiphany, in order to hear I have to read. So that's what I do...I read, I ask, I listen. It works...

Ok...back to today's question. I read the entire book. I understood that Ruth's husband died, she stayed with her mother in law, she followed her directions, and ended up being remarried to someone who could provide and take care of them both. At the end I was left wondering what happened to the other daughter in law?! The one that one that was married to the other son...what did she get? God's answer...nothing. Nothing worth writing anymore about anyway. 

That taught me something. The part that was left out of this story, seemed to teach me more than anything that I read. I realized that when you go back to what is familiar (instead of staying on the new path that has been created for you) you can end up with nothing. 

Here *goes to look up her name because I can't remember it* Orpah was, literally attached to the family that would one day bear King David and eventually Jesus! But she went back, she turned around, she missed out. 

Why did she miss out? Why did she leave? Because her husband died. Because the original attachment was no longer a part of the equation. Where am I going with this? Many times, people will leave you, whether by death or by choice, they will leave...and that's fine! They aren't supposed to stay. In actuality, them leaving is often times the gateway to what your actual blessing/purpose is! Without the death of her husband, Ruth never would have married Boaz, they never would have had Obed, he never would have had Jesse, there never would have been a King David. 

So this revelation about Orpah taught me, not to be afraid about what's ahead. There is no need to retreat to what's familiar. Stay the course, even when the faces on the course change. Keep going, even when it's uncomfortable. Your very legacy depends on it! Turning around is literally the difference between being read about amongst men, and people not remembering your name.