Stop Dating Men You Don't Like

Christian dating can get a little weird sometimes. Some people try to make you feel like the only standard you should have is that a man is saved and faithful. I beg to differ. The word says that God made a counterpart who was suitable for Adam. The word "suitable" means "right or appropriate for a particular person, purpose, or situation." That means that what God gave to Adam was appropriate or specifically tailored for who he was. You know what that means? That means, who God has for you is not some "run of the mill, just because he goes to your church you have to date him even though you really don't like him" kind of guy! 

Interjection...

But lets start at the beginning...God knows who you are and what type of man is "suitable" for who he created you to be. Many times the reason you're confused about who to date is because you have no clue who you are! How can you compliment what you dont know? I know I have a tendency to be more imaginable than logical. Therefore I know in terms of counterparts, I need someone who's more logical. I know me, and through the grace of God by identifying who I am, I now know what's suitable. So before you go off finding a husband, I think it's best to find yourself.

Now back to the task at hand. Why would you date a man you dont like!? Just because he has a (good) job? Because he sits 3 rows behind you and lifts his hands during praise and worship? Sis...those aren't standards. Going out with a man because on the surface it seems like the "right" thing to do, can often have you in the "wrong" place. Dating a man you really dont like, is like cooking a steak when you really dont eat red meat when all you had to do was wait to go to the grocery store. It's lazy. It's a waste of time. It's a waste of that person's time. 

Stop letting people tell you to settle. Stop letting them tell you that you will grow to love a person and to "give them a chance." Relationships should start out as friendships and grow into something more. Stop accepting the first dinner reservation that walks your way. 

End Rant. 

Happy Monday :) lol

No More Pretend Perfection

If I had to define my "brand" in one word it would be: Transparency.  Religion can tend to make the very people that come looking for help, turn around in shame because it depicts a picture of perfection that is a mirage and unattainable. For a while now, I knew I was always called to be the "me too" Christian. God has always placed me in a space to be vulnerable with people who perceived me to have it all together. In those moments, it's always been me being honest/transparent, saying it's ok "me too" that encourages them that if God can do it for me; He can do it for them too.

One thing that I have found, is that often it's not the lost or unsaved that it is hardest to pour into; it's the woman who's been in church all her life. Something about being in church all your life makes it difficult to say you're damaged, you're depressed, you're bitter, the list goes on. Many times it's ok to come into the church with an issue, but God forbid you've been in church your whole life and still have a major issue. The visitor can come down for prayer about pornography, but the Teen Pastor can be reprimanded for requesting guidance in the same area.

So what happens? They stay quiet; and an issue untreated becomes a problem that grows out of proportion. Something like a snag that unravels an entire dress. All because many are too prideful to be a safe space, a light, a beacon of hope to a person who thinks they're the only one who is unable to get it all together.

Recently I was sharing with a young women about a mistake I made and how God helped me to overcome it. One of my friends began to tell me that was the wrong thing to do because the young women looked up to me. I responded by telling them that's exactly why she needed to know. Women need to know that even the women they look up to have gone through the things that they are struggling with. They need to know that the people who's path they use as an example sometimes had to crawl up that road before they walked. THEY NEED TO KNOW....and it's ok to tell them when led by God.

The core of Cool Saved Chicks is to create a community of women who are approachable and available to be transparent about what God has done for them. The concept conveys that although I have Christ I'm not out of touch with the monotony of life. Women don't ask for help because we can often make them ashamed for having the problem. No more shame. No more pretend perfection. Cool Saved Chicks live their truth and it helps to set others free. Give freedom <3

Pray Before You Pick

I've been adulting so well this year! You know, remembering to do personal things on time like renewing my registration and getting my taxes done before April...so very proud of myself! Yet, there's one thing I have yet to master. I go to the grocery store about 3 times a week (don't judge me, k? k.) and each time I pick up about 2 avocados. After becoming a grocery shopping guru, you would think I've learned to discern which ones are ripe...but it seems it's always hit or miss. Either they're no where near ripe, or one day away from being rotten. Each time I am left with the same feeling of frustration when I get home.

Why can't I pick the right one at the right time? Why is it so hard to assess which one is ripe for that day? We'll get back to that...

I've learned through the word that God operates in seasons. Ecclesiastes 3 tells us that to everything there is a season, a specific time for specific activity.  That means there is a point in life where certain things are ripe for the picking. Those things in that season are equipped for fruit from your activity and attention toward them. Being in season, means in that time you have the opportunity for maximum capacity from that specific thing.

But so many of us operate out of season. With our hearts being a garden filled with seeds of potential and possibility, we have so many options to devote our precious time, energy and activity. But like my avocados, we choose the wrong one. Sometimes electing to focus on a dream or vision that hasn't quite reached full maturity, or electing an option that died in a season past and needs to be re-cultivated before it can even be touched.

We tend to water seeds that are not intended to grow in this season and neglect the ones that seemingly have potential to thrive during this time.

How does that happen? Well, with my avocados I found that I was picking based on how it looked. I figured if it was a deeper green that meant it was ready. Sometimes that's the way we choose to focus our attention during a season; based on what it looks like. We give attention to the thing that seems as though it will yield the most happiness, money and take us further in life. But that doesn't work.

Even a plant that is out of season will begin to grow if you water it. But it won't grow for very long. It will hit a plateau and wither away as quickly as it sprouted.

I found out the process to assess the ripeness of the avocado was by feeling the inside with the palms of your hands. Could it be that the way to assess what you should be focusing on in this season is the same? To really allow the spirit to lead and guide you through the palms of your hands? I'm talking about prayer! How is it that we so often make decisions about what to focus on and never think to consult God on what is "in season" for our lives at this moment. We focus on things that are not ready for our attention or waste time on things we should have focused on last season and God is able to tell us exactly what's ready right now!

Every good thing is not good in this moment. That's the frustrating part. You can be doing a really good thing at the wrong time and that actually makes it the wrong thing. Unripe fruit is just as bad as rotten fruit. Why? Because, either way the substance will never be able to fulfill you. It is void of nutrients and lacks what you intended to receive.

Timing is totally God's job but he makes known the time and the season through the Holy Spirit, sometimes we're just not listening. Before you set out starting a business, beginning relationship or formatting a plan see what has the potential to thrive through a conversation with God. Pray Before You Pick.

Cool Saved Chicks Call

Hello to all the ladies that I talk to every week, many that I have never seen face to face *waves*

Tonight, I'm taking the time to celebrate a woman who has been very special in my spiritual growth, so there will be no call tonight, but I wanted to write you! (ps. the call has been rescheduled for Thursday)

A few things that have been on my heart and in my spirit that I wanted to share:

We are in the 8th month of the year. Every time I see the number 8, i'm reminded of the spiritual meaning which is new beginnings. From the onset of August, there were so many uncertainties in my midst, but God is constant. I've learned that when you focus on God, when you direct your attention to what is stable, you don't lose your balance. Focusing on the consistent presence of God means you don't lose your peace in the midst of everything moving around you.

I need you ladies to focus. Focus on exactly who God is. Focus on exactly what he's done. Focus on exactly who he made you to be.

And just in case you forgot...he made you righteous. He put you in good standing. He justified you. He calls you blessed. That means, no matter what you've done, no matter what you're doing, no matter what happens, he planned for it. He made provision for you. His word says "All things work together for good"...that means even the things that don't feel so good. Remember he loves you. There is nothing you could do to cause him to leave you or forsake you.

But the thing I wanted most to tell you tonight, is that I feel there is a season of turnaround. A season of repositioning, a season of seeing the very things we have prayed for. So don't give up now, don't settle for anything less that what he promised.

Remember, "faith worketh patience"...If you believe, you will wait for exactly what he said he would give to you. It's coming.

I love you all!!!! And I am soooooo looking forward to talking and hearing from you this Thursday!!!

You Need Deodorant

Last weekend I left the house with no deodorant on. It was a game time decision! Lol

It was 90 degrees (at 10am) and I was halfway out of my neighborhood. My conscious kept saying "go back Shardae, you aint gonna make it Shardae..." but the whole time I'm thinking "you can't be late, you can not be late...don't be the late girl"

I was headed to a shoot for a promo video, and given my new inclined "early is on time, and on time is late" mentality, I could not fathom being that girl that shows up strolling in while everyone awaits her arrival to get started.

But as I made a U-turn, I realized that was exactly what I might be...I needed deodorant! I got back to the house, and literally had to search for it smh...it wasn't where I thought I left it. I found it though, and generously applied it before leaving the house again.

I shot the producer a text letting him know I was running late, and arrived 15 minutes behind schedule. But guess what...they hadn't started, as a matter of fact they were still awaiting the arrival of other crew members...all I could do was laugh. I laughed even harder when 80% of the shoot was outside in the 90 degree heat!

As crazy as it seems, God really showed me something in that moment. So often I've been in such a rush to get to certain places in my life that I've literally been willing to compromise not having everything I need when I actually get there. I can get so caught up on meeting MY deadline, that I neglect key elements essential to the actual assignment.

Could I have made it without deodorant? I'm sure I could have. But I am also very certain I would have been musty. Likewise, with every aspect of life I realize settling is possible but yields uncomfortable results. Could I make enough money at a job I'm not purposed for? I'm sure I could. But I am certain I wouldn't be happy. Could I marry a man that isn't as spiritually mature as I am? I'm sure I could. But I am certain I would never be truly fulfilled.

Listen to your spirit when it says you need to turn around. When God sends you back to the beginning, it's to solidify a foundation needed for where you're going. You need deodorant.

It's ok to start over. It's ok to go back and get exactly what you need to carry out the plan for your life. Not only is it ok, It is necessary. DO NOT be afraid to turn around, what you're rushing to is not impeded by waiting for you. Why not arrive prepared.

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." - Nelson Mandela

Trees Don't Mourn Leaves...

"You can't connect to everything you touch..."

That's what my spirit told me. Growing spiritually and walking in love and light will have you feeling like you have to take every single person where God is taking you. Wrong. 

God's been showing me that sometimes a blessing is like this big party that He's throwing and you don't always get a plus 1. Often times when you bring someone with you to a party, you inadvertently give that person your attention instead of the event at hand. God won't chance that. He loves you too much not to help you realize your purpose. God will call you apart to come alone, just so he has your undivided attention. 

And another thing...

The people along the way that you meet, that you help, that you pour into are all very important but that doesn't mean you spend your time continually connected to them. Your job is to show them God, and let God do the rest. You can't be God. I'm learning unless my spirit leads me to do something, I'm out of order. I (Shardae) can want to pray for someone, I (Shardae) can want to assist with something, but when God says no, I'm acting out of my flesh and connecting to something I'm no longer supposed to be touching. 

I was in prayer today and God revealed to me that not everyone allowed in my life will stay there. Often times after the season is over, those people will be released. He said to me, "Have you ever seen a tree mourn it's leaves?" ...and the answer is no. More leaves will come. I will connect with them, but like a tree, I am constantly rooted in God. And as they fall, I must remain rooted and in expectation of the new growth that is about to take place...

#KeepGoing #KeepGrowing

I don't want it to "Look Right,"...I want it to "Be Right"

My drafts section has about 7 entries...I've been blogging for the past 4 months and have not posted 1 thing I've written lol. I think those were cleansing months for me, a chance for God to put things in perspective.

One of the things he's shown me is that when he is doing something in your life, you're a vessel and he is the one that determines what is delivered. When you alter that process, it is as if you contaminate the blessing he's trying to give. I realize more and more that God does not need my help, he needs my trust.

Transparent moment: I had no clue what "Cool Saved Chicks" was about. I had no clue what I was supposed to really do or the shape and form it was supposed to take. I just knew that God said "Start."

That's how it can be tho...sometimes God will tell you to take a step without revealing the staircase. And that's alright. What's wrong is that many times when we don't see the staircase, instead of waiting for God to reveal, we create our own next step. Sometimes we look at others staircases and even begin to mimic their steps.

When God is doing something great, something new, something that "eyes have not seen, nor have ears heard"...it won't look like everyone else's picture. When you take the time to piece together what you think God's promised you, it may look right, but it won't be right. As a matter of fact, it won't even feel right.

Growing in God I've learned that it's like I'm a brush, and God is the hand. He uses me to collect paint (situations, circumstances that I've gone through), and then creates strokes with my life to paint a picture that He ultimately will get the glory out of. I've learned that it's ok to be the brush. It is an honor to allow him to use my life to draw others closer to him.

Whether it's a relationship, or a business, or a ministry, when you begin to to be the hand instead of finding solace in being the brush, you run the risk of altering the picture. Altering the picture and  redefining your own path means the possibility of missing out on your God given purpose.

In the past couple of months I've committed myself to listening to God and following him, instead of my own ideas about what he wants. The more I listen, the more he reveals :) I'm excited.