*deep sigh* Transparency is so tough, but it is also very necessary. I want to help someone...even if it's only one.
Ok...so I'm going to write as clear as possible so that who ever is led to read this will understand.
I think spiritually I began changing (growing) almost 2 years ago. It started with being uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable in what was once a very comfortable environment. I felt guilty about having sex. I began to have a low tolerance for alcohol. I had a tendency to feel out of place with friends that were at one time very familiar. I didn't understand it...and I didn't like it.
Then something happened...I put myself in a position where it became normal for me not to do those things based on my relationship. I was put in a situation where I was separated from everything I knew, to be with a person I loved. Ah ha! Perfect scenario right...I'm not weird, I'm just doing it because it's what I have to do! I'm doing it because it is what is required of me!
But then...I was separated from that person too.
I was at a crossroads, I wanted to go back to what I was doing before, I wanted to go back to the people I missed, I wanted to go back to what was "familiar"...but at that time even the things that used to be familiar seemed to be out of touch. Familiarity wasn't familiar, and my new found spiritual crutch was no where in sight. So I was alone. It was just me....just me, and God.
But alone was the beginning....There's this amazing beauty in alone-ness. You are forced to look at yourself and face exactly who you are. You are given the opportunity to hear the quiet and still voice of God revealing to you exactly who he is. Through that process, I grew to love him in a way I never had before. I grew to love him FOR MYSELF. I was not being spoon fed the God that others wanted me to see, I was seeing him for myself. Not for the form or fashion of impressing someone, not because I wanted something, not because I was forced to, but because I wanted to....I needed to. He was all that I had in that moment of time and while everything around me was changing, he was constant. I was no longer ashamed of who I really was, and I didn't care about how people felt about me proclaiming who He is.
And another thing...
I was happy. I'm not talking regular smiles and walks in the park, hot summer day off from work happy. I'm talking about soul stirring, joyful tears, I don't even deserve this kind of happy. Not being comfortable in your alone-ness leaves you outsourcing for completion. So when you are down, you outsource for someone to lift your spirit. When you need advice, you outsource for an opinion. When you are confused, you outsource for validation. That was me! I was an "outsourcer"! But with this new found happy that grew out of my alone-ness I can tap into the spirit inside me to pick myself up when I'm down, I'm confident in myself and the spirit of discernment that God has given me to make my own decisions.
He set me apart....he built me up...but it started with being alone.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
What Abstinence Taught Me...
Ok...so I'm going to get a little personal, bear with me.
After a failed relationship about almost 2 years ago now, I really began centering myself spiritually. There were many things I was not yet ready to let go of, but I decided sex would be the one thing that I would stay away from...so I did. For a while before I even made the decision it seemed as though a lot of guilt came when I engaged in intimacy, so it felt good not engaging in the act, however I was afraid that I would never find a man that would actually be with me and marry me without "test driving" me. I prayed to God and really asked him, "what kind of man is going to do that, what kind of man is going to wait?" ...and I felt my spirit say "the right kind of man." I didn't understand (believe) it but I moved forward, obediently.
*Fast Forward a bit*
I met a guy...a great guy! And as we moved forward in dating he told me that he too was waiting...Look at God. Lol...I was shocked, amazed, almost in disbelief at how what God revealed to me had seemingly come to pass. The relationship progressed and in a very short period of time, we seemed to grow closer than I ever had with anyone else. Ultimately we ended up getting engaged. The relationship did not work out...but that's not what this post is about, what it IS about is the lesson God taught me.
What did I learn? Glad you asked...
First, I learned there are men, good men, that are willing to wait...
The best thing that you can ever do is challenge God. I don't mean rebelling, I mean by living and being obedient to what he said to do while reminding Him what He promised. I mean literally in prayer saying, "Ok God, I did this...now show me, I need to see!" God showed me, in a very short period of time might I add, that a man will wait, that he will marry me without needing a test drive. He showed me the power of non sexual communication and the ability to get to know a person mentally and emotionally while allowing them to know you in the same way. He taught me the importance of transparency and how to communicate feelings instead of brushing them over with sexual encounters.
Second, I learned that abstinence provides you with the amazing gift of "good - bye"...
I remember when I was in high school and while many of my friends were engaging in intimacy, I had my goods on lock lol...I was dating this guy and talking to that guy and literally never giving anyone my undivided attention...my peers didn't understand and neither did I until after I too began engaging in intimacy. Being intimate with someone literally provides that person with a piece of you, a piece that you are always seeking to get back once the relationship is over. When you are not having sex with a person, you may very well love them but there's a part of you that they will never have, there is a part of your spirit that they have never touched. My last break up was hard (and hard is an understatement) and while walking away was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, not going back to the relationship (as I've done with men in my past) was so much easier because I never lost a piece of myself that I was continually going back for.
I will not say that it is always easy, but I will say that my vision has never been more clear. My spirit of discernment has never been more on point. The caliber of men that I date has never been at so high a standard. I know now that I never want to be connected to someone that strongly again, until I know that connection will last forever.
After a failed relationship about almost 2 years ago now, I really began centering myself spiritually. There were many things I was not yet ready to let go of, but I decided sex would be the one thing that I would stay away from...so I did. For a while before I even made the decision it seemed as though a lot of guilt came when I engaged in intimacy, so it felt good not engaging in the act, however I was afraid that I would never find a man that would actually be with me and marry me without "test driving" me. I prayed to God and really asked him, "what kind of man is going to do that, what kind of man is going to wait?" ...and I felt my spirit say "the right kind of man." I didn't understand (believe) it but I moved forward, obediently.
*Fast Forward a bit*
I met a guy...a great guy! And as we moved forward in dating he told me that he too was waiting...Look at God. Lol...I was shocked, amazed, almost in disbelief at how what God revealed to me had seemingly come to pass. The relationship progressed and in a very short period of time, we seemed to grow closer than I ever had with anyone else. Ultimately we ended up getting engaged. The relationship did not work out...but that's not what this post is about, what it IS about is the lesson God taught me.
What did I learn? Glad you asked...
First, I learned there are men, good men, that are willing to wait...
The best thing that you can ever do is challenge God. I don't mean rebelling, I mean by living and being obedient to what he said to do while reminding Him what He promised. I mean literally in prayer saying, "Ok God, I did this...now show me, I need to see!" God showed me, in a very short period of time might I add, that a man will wait, that he will marry me without needing a test drive. He showed me the power of non sexual communication and the ability to get to know a person mentally and emotionally while allowing them to know you in the same way. He taught me the importance of transparency and how to communicate feelings instead of brushing them over with sexual encounters.
Second, I learned that abstinence provides you with the amazing gift of "good - bye"...
I remember when I was in high school and while many of my friends were engaging in intimacy, I had my goods on lock lol...I was dating this guy and talking to that guy and literally never giving anyone my undivided attention...my peers didn't understand and neither did I until after I too began engaging in intimacy. Being intimate with someone literally provides that person with a piece of you, a piece that you are always seeking to get back once the relationship is over. When you are not having sex with a person, you may very well love them but there's a part of you that they will never have, there is a part of your spirit that they have never touched. My last break up was hard (and hard is an understatement) and while walking away was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, not going back to the relationship (as I've done with men in my past) was so much easier because I never lost a piece of myself that I was continually going back for.
I will not say that it is always easy, but I will say that my vision has never been more clear. My spirit of discernment has never been more on point. The caliber of men that I date has never been at so high a standard. I know now that I never want to be connected to someone that strongly again, until I know that connection will last forever.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Tough Days
You ever had a day where you're just in a funk...like there's nothing specific that you are upset about, but your spirit is not on fire, not like usual....that's me today.
So I sat and I thought about it....I prayed....I even tried to force a praise in. Nothing.
So I thought some more...and then I remembered something:
This one time I was at my aunts house, and we were listening to Tye Tribbett. Everyone was in the kitchen and we were all singing at the top of our lungs, next thing I know, I was in a full blown shout...in the middle of the kitchen floor. By the time the song went off, I was waving my hands and thanking God. It was a very interesting moment, I mean, certain songs get me excited, but I'd never experienced my spirit being that overwhelmed out of nowhere.
The next day I received a major blessing from God. It was in that moment that I realized my spirit was praising God for something that I could not yet see in the natural. My spirit had literally gotten excited about what was to come!
So, back to today...one thing that I have learned on this journey is that the enemy's spirit is just as real as the spirit of the living God. The enemy also knows what God has in store for me! Today is merely his attempt and an attack on what lies ahead! I realized that I have literally at some point let my guard down for him to come in and interrupt my premeditated praise with a seed of chaos and confusion.
When you find that you have let the enemy in, you literally have to command him to leave. You can pray and praise all you want, but he (the enemy) is waiting for you to command him using your God given authority to cast him out! There's so much power in the tongue, many times a shift in the atmosphere merely requires you to open your mouth!
Use your power, I did...and I feel like I'm back on the right track! Excited about what is ahead! It's going to be a great day!
So I sat and I thought about it....I prayed....I even tried to force a praise in. Nothing.
So I thought some more...and then I remembered something:
This one time I was at my aunts house, and we were listening to Tye Tribbett. Everyone was in the kitchen and we were all singing at the top of our lungs, next thing I know, I was in a full blown shout...in the middle of the kitchen floor. By the time the song went off, I was waving my hands and thanking God. It was a very interesting moment, I mean, certain songs get me excited, but I'd never experienced my spirit being that overwhelmed out of nowhere.
The next day I received a major blessing from God. It was in that moment that I realized my spirit was praising God for something that I could not yet see in the natural. My spirit had literally gotten excited about what was to come!
So, back to today...one thing that I have learned on this journey is that the enemy's spirit is just as real as the spirit of the living God. The enemy also knows what God has in store for me! Today is merely his attempt and an attack on what lies ahead! I realized that I have literally at some point let my guard down for him to come in and interrupt my premeditated praise with a seed of chaos and confusion.
When you find that you have let the enemy in, you literally have to command him to leave. You can pray and praise all you want, but he (the enemy) is waiting for you to command him using your God given authority to cast him out! There's so much power in the tongue, many times a shift in the atmosphere merely requires you to open your mouth!
Use your power, I did...and I feel like I'm back on the right track! Excited about what is ahead! It's going to be a great day!
Monday, April 7, 2014
He Turned It...
I remember this one time when I had no desire to live.
It's so amazing how when you are in the midst of pain it seems as though its going to last forever. It seems like you would take any way out if you could find one. But in that moment there is no relief. I remember being home alone, in my bedroom with the lights out, on my bed, crying. It was a gut wrenching cry. The kind where you can barely breathe and there's snot...lots of snot. I remember it so vividly. I remember asking God why I had to feel that pain. I remember telling him I'd been doing everything right! I remember telling him to take the pain away...but he didn't...not then...not for a while.
That day, I got a call while I was crying...the person on the other end of the phone told me to "Thank God anyway"...she told me to thank him for the pain, she told me to thank him for the strength that was coming, she told me to thank him for whatever He was preparing me for...so that's what I did. With tears in my eyes I thanked him, with tears in my eyes I gave him praise, I gave myself completely to him.
Everyday, I put on a smile, I prayed, I praised and went about my day. For a while the smile was fake, but the more I praised God, the more I prayed, the closer we became the more genuine the smile became. I realized that the pain I originally felt, it was a pull, it was a systematic attempt to draw me into the one who created joy, the very essence of love! God wanted me to himself, he wanted me so bad that he broke me, he let me fall down so hard that I came running to him.
I have found that pain almost always draws people closer. When you fall down as a child you run to your parent, you ask them to make it feel better, they hold you and it magically the pain subsides. That encounter after the pain breeds trust. God drew me in, he healed my pain, he allowed me to see him differently and trust him in away that surpassed my natural understanding.
*Fast Forward 6 months to the day*
Not only do I not feel the pain, but I have been walking in such light and joy that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how good God truly is! We must learn not to fear letting go of something just because we think it will never come around again! God is the God of repeat performances! Sometimes he has to equip you to finish the journey you tried to take on your own. Trust him! Wait on him! I promise he WILL turn it! Pain won't last always, with God Joy will always come!
It's so amazing how when you are in the midst of pain it seems as though its going to last forever. It seems like you would take any way out if you could find one. But in that moment there is no relief. I remember being home alone, in my bedroom with the lights out, on my bed, crying. It was a gut wrenching cry. The kind where you can barely breathe and there's snot...lots of snot. I remember it so vividly. I remember asking God why I had to feel that pain. I remember telling him I'd been doing everything right! I remember telling him to take the pain away...but he didn't...not then...not for a while.
That day, I got a call while I was crying...the person on the other end of the phone told me to "Thank God anyway"...she told me to thank him for the pain, she told me to thank him for the strength that was coming, she told me to thank him for whatever He was preparing me for...so that's what I did. With tears in my eyes I thanked him, with tears in my eyes I gave him praise, I gave myself completely to him.
Everyday, I put on a smile, I prayed, I praised and went about my day. For a while the smile was fake, but the more I praised God, the more I prayed, the closer we became the more genuine the smile became. I realized that the pain I originally felt, it was a pull, it was a systematic attempt to draw me into the one who created joy, the very essence of love! God wanted me to himself, he wanted me so bad that he broke me, he let me fall down so hard that I came running to him.
I have found that pain almost always draws people closer. When you fall down as a child you run to your parent, you ask them to make it feel better, they hold you and it magically the pain subsides. That encounter after the pain breeds trust. God drew me in, he healed my pain, he allowed me to see him differently and trust him in away that surpassed my natural understanding.
*Fast Forward 6 months to the day*
Not only do I not feel the pain, but I have been walking in such light and joy that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how good God truly is! We must learn not to fear letting go of something just because we think it will never come around again! God is the God of repeat performances! Sometimes he has to equip you to finish the journey you tried to take on your own. Trust him! Wait on him! I promise he WILL turn it! Pain won't last always, with God Joy will always come!
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
iWrite
Someone told me I should start blogging a long time ago...Her name was Kara. I didn't listen. Perhaps I wasn't supposed to...I guess back then I really did not have anything of substance to say.
Anywho...iWrite. I've never been able to completely convey my thoughts verbally as well as I could with characters *shrugs* I have no clue where this blogging thing will go...I'm not sure I will share... but my spirit told me to write...today. So here I am...writing lol
I do believe I am at the height of a spiritual journey. Each day I learn a new lesson, I begin to see God in a different way. His love and his ways amaze me in ways I only dreamed about. What started out as an uncomfortable process has truly become a lifestyle. I guess it's time to keep track of where I'm going, to reflect on where I've been.
It's ironic that today is the first day of April...this really weird thing has been going on where the number "4" has developed notable significance within my life in the past few weeks. I'm excited about the 4th month...I'm more excited to document whatever journey is to come.
Anywho...iWrite. I've never been able to completely convey my thoughts verbally as well as I could with characters *shrugs* I have no clue where this blogging thing will go...I'm not sure I will share... but my spirit told me to write...today. So here I am...writing lol
I do believe I am at the height of a spiritual journey. Each day I learn a new lesson, I begin to see God in a different way. His love and his ways amaze me in ways I only dreamed about. What started out as an uncomfortable process has truly become a lifestyle. I guess it's time to keep track of where I'm going, to reflect on where I've been.
It's ironic that today is the first day of April...this really weird thing has been going on where the number "4" has developed notable significance within my life in the past few weeks. I'm excited about the 4th month...I'm more excited to document whatever journey is to come.
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