He Turned It...

I remember this one time when I had no desire to live.

It's so amazing how when you are in the midst of pain it seems as though its going to last forever.  It seems like you would take any way out if you could find one. But in that moment there is no relief. I remember being home alone, in my bedroom with the lights out, on my bed, crying. It was a gut wrenching cry. The kind where you can barely breathe and there's snot...lots of snot. I remember it so vividly. I remember asking God why I had to feel that pain. I remember telling him I'd been doing everything right! I remember telling him to take the pain away...but he didn't...not then...not for a while.

That day, I got a call while I was crying...the person on the other end of the phone told me to "Thank God anyway"...she told me to thank him for the pain, she told me to thank him for the strength that was coming, she told me to thank him for whatever He was preparing me for...so that's what I did. With tears in my eyes I thanked him, with tears in my eyes I gave him praise, I gave myself completely to him.

Everyday, I put on a smile, I prayed, I praised and went about my day. For a while the smile was fake, but the more I praised God, the more I prayed, the closer we became the more genuine the smile became. I realized that the pain I originally felt, it was a pull, it was a systematic attempt to draw me into the one who created joy, the very essence of love! God wanted me to himself, he wanted me so bad that he broke me, he let me fall down so hard that I came running to him.

I have found that pain almost always draws people closer. When you fall down as a child you run to your parent, you ask them to make it feel better, they hold you and it magically the pain subsides. That encounter after the pain breeds trust. God drew me in, he healed my pain, he allowed me to see him differently and trust him in away that surpassed my natural understanding.

*Fast Forward 6 months to the day*

Not only do I not feel the pain, but I have been walking in such light and joy that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how good God truly is! We must learn not to fear letting go of something just because we think it will never come around again! God is the God of repeat performances! Sometimes he has to equip you to finish the journey you tried to take on your own. Trust him! Wait on him! I promise he WILL turn it! Pain won't last always, with God Joy will always come!