Alone-ness

*deep sigh* Transparency is so tough, but it is also very necessary. I want to help someone...even if it's only one.

Ok...so I'm going to write as clear as possible so that who ever is led to read this will understand.

I think spiritually I began changing (growing) almost 2 years ago. It started with being uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable in what was once a very comfortable environment. I felt guilty about having sex. I began to have a low tolerance for alcohol. I had a tendency to feel out of place with friends that were at one time very familiar. I didn't understand it...and I didn't like it.

Then something happened...I put myself in a position where it became normal for me not to do those things based on my relationship. I was put in a situation where I was separated from everything I knew, to be with a person I loved. Ah ha! Perfect scenario right...I'm not weird, I'm just doing it because it's what I have to do! I'm doing it because it is what is required of me!

But then...I was separated from that person too.

I was at a crossroads, I wanted to go back to what I was doing before, I wanted to go back to the people I missed, I wanted to go back to what was "familiar"...but at that time even the things that used to be familiar seemed to be out of touch. Familiarity wasn't familiar, and my new found spiritual crutch was no where in sight. So I was alone. It was just me....just me, and God.

But alone was the beginning....There's this amazing beauty in alone-ness. You are forced to look at yourself and face exactly who you are. You are given the opportunity to hear the quiet and still voice of God revealing to you exactly who he is. Through that process, I grew to love him in a way I never had before. I grew to love him FOR MYSELF. I was not being spoon fed the God that others wanted me to see, I was seeing him for myself. Not for the form or fashion of impressing someone, not because I wanted something, not because I was forced to, but because I wanted to....I needed to. He was all that I had in that moment of time and while everything around me was changing, he was constant. I was no longer ashamed of who I really was, and I didn't care about how people felt about me proclaiming who He is.

And another thing...
I was happy. I'm not talking regular smiles and walks in the park, hot summer day off from work happy. I'm talking about soul stirring, joyful tears, I don't even deserve this kind of happy. Not being comfortable in your alone-ness leaves you outsourcing for completion. So when you are down, you outsource for someone to lift your spirit. When you need advice, you outsource for an opinion. When you are confused, you outsource for validation. That was me! I was an "outsourcer"! But with this new found happy that grew out of my alone-ness I can tap into the spirit inside me to pick myself up when I'm down, I'm confident in myself and the spirit of discernment that God has given me to make my own decisions.

He set me apart....he built me up...but it started with being alone.